“Who’s there that makes you so afraid
you’re shaken to the bone?
You know I don’t understand
you deserve so much better.
So don’t tell me WHY
he’s never been good to you,
don’t tell me WHY
he’s never been there for you
and I’ll tell you WHY
has never been good enough…
I’ll show you why
you’re so much better than good enough.”
– S. McLachlan
I remember at one point last winter, sitting silently, feeling like I had betrayed myself. Feeling that I’d traded away my dignity simply because a man had been kind to me. I felt pathetic that I’d been so willing to offer him everything I could because he’d sent me flowers at work and he called me every day. No man had ever paid so much attention to me before and I went to him openly like a child. I felt betrayed by the lack of tenderness in my past, was I really so starved for affection. I didn’t believe that I was so willing to trade away so much for so little.
In the wee hours of New Years I wrote “I hate that he keeps stripping away my defenses making me naked, vulnerable to the world, to him, yet he won’t trust me, he won’t offer me the same thing. I want to let out my frustrations but I can’t do that and risk hurting him.”
He was trying to deal with loss and grief; I was one of the distractions. His financee died in a car accident less than six months before. “The dead girl”, that’s what I called her, was always there between us; she came to bed with us, she was on our dates, hovering over our every conversation.
“There is a panic in my chest and the rest of me is numb nothing will move, my heart just hammers away. The more time I spend with him the more shut out I feel. The less connected, the less welcomed. And I can’t do anything, because anything would be too much…It’s just so incredibly hard to be held so close and yet so firmly far away…there are so many questions I want to ask and won’t find answers for. I don’t know how I could’ve chosen a more complicated situation or a more impossible one.”
Shortly thereafter we quit seeing one another. I quietly packed everything away, all these feelings of guilt that I’d let him down and shame that I’d offered up my self and my body to be used for a cheap return. I still can’t figure out which I felt more. I told myself that I couldn’t expect to heal the world, I wish I’d tried to heal myself. It wasn’t wrong for me to try to love away his grief, it isn’t the end of the world that I didn’t succeed. The problem was that I shut all the feelings up and refused to talk about any of it, I wouldn’t even say his name. I’ve just been quietly terrified that someone else would come along and I’d be hurt yet again.
It was difficult for me to understand that he didn’t send flowers to me or call me because he thought I was special. He did it because he wanted to do it for someone and that someone was dead, so he did it for me. There’s that vow that says love, honor and cherish. I’ve never felt like someone cherished me. Understanding the real meaning of that word takes a great deal of effort. I believe there’s an honorable man out there somewhere who does understand it and is looking for someone to cherish. I want to be the apple of that man’s eye.
Written New Years & Spring 1999
My love as a dove
flies away from me this night
A sweet bird free to fly in vast open skies.
Caged in my soul it lay quaking,
wounded by its need to soar.
I say good-bye to the gentle bird
and watch as it fades from view.
So beautiful in its glory,
I recall the softness
of its beating heart against my breast
Be safe little bird, be free,
and perhaps one day return to me.
Only you can decide whether to be an outline of the future,or a shadow of the past. – Unknown
Only you can make a choice about change in your life. Only you can listen to your heart and change the way you act and react. Open yourself up to inner dialog through meditation. Ask your heart what it needs. Ask for help and let go of your problems, let your heart answer you.
It doesn’t matter what we do until we accept ourselves.
Once we accept ourselves, it doesn’t matter what we do.
– Charly Heavenrich
to have joy, and
to find success as I define it not by others definitions
“When you follow your bliss…doors will open where
you would not have thought there would be doors;
and where there wouldn’t be a door for anyone else.”
– Joseph Campbell
When I see my future I see an older wood frame home bordered by gardens and lovely outdoor spaces. There is dark old wood floors and light fills every room. Within there is a household that is filled with people who cherish the important values of life. People who encourage one another to learn and grow. People who hope for the best in others.
When I look towards my future occupation I see myself developing one or more of my entrepreneurial dreams. I don’t see myself working in a large company for many more years, I need to feel closer to the work I do and to the benefit it brings to other people. I hope to work educating people on ways to follow their dreams. To help people understand the importance of aromatherapy, color therapy, homeopathy and other alternative (ancient) ideas. I’d like to teach art to those who feel they are not good enough to create, to teach dance to women who are afraid to go to a “real” studio. I want people to feel free to follow their bliss without judgment from others.
I’d like to show people by living my life that there is more out there. That stress doesn’t need to be a daily issue. I’d like to write a book, I believe that the writing that I do each day and the work I’ve done here are the beginnings of a publishable manuscript. I want my life to be filled with goodness and joy, a life that will inspire others to “follow their bliss”.
Beyond, or rather before, those goals are two very simple ones. The first is to be the best mother I can be, to raise my children with the values and self worth to fulfill their destiny, to be who they were born to be. My last and most selfish goal is to find someone to share life’s journey with.
I am not looking for the “perfect” man, I am looking for someone with the potential to lead an interesting life, filled with laughter, passion, intellectual conversations and good will towards others. Someone who along with me seeks to grow beyond today into the future, someone who I can imagine living in that home with me, someone who also seeks to heal others. Not someone with all the answers who would leave nothing do discover, but someone who is interested in exploring different possibilities, things outside the norm, travel to other places, and who is flexible enough to try new things along the way. Someone who will be my best friend.
I looked at you,
I kept looking at you.
I wanted you,
I still want you.
My heart beat,
Your neck exposed,
skin so smooth.
My lips throbbed,
aching to kiss you there.
My tongue ached
for a taste of you.
I see that look,
you look at me.
You wanted me,
you still want me.
I want you,
but I’m going now.
driven by simple lust.
in a dark world the ember glows hot
a fragile tissue of hesitation flutters
ember catches the edge
a flame rises regal
heat of comfort and pain
old as time itself
fire ensures our survival
the planet turns
our world is alight, exposed
ready to be explored
taste the sweet and succulent fruits
touch the velvet textures
drowning in fire
enveloped by the heat
immersed in desire
quivering, without air to breathe
which need is quenched
which is inspired
how is it appeased
neither finds a living place alone
yielding to the embers desire
cry pain and pleasure
release mundane reality
the flame builds
blinding light of worship
elements blend, a pinnacle reached