I feel like I’ve been pretty emotional this week which I suppose is the point of this whole process. It’s a struggle trying to wrangle all this emotional stuff and still work and do other things. But I’m digging out important nuggets of information and healing what that leads to is what will make this all worthwhile.
I have this one memory from childhood that I’ve rarely shared with anyone because of how painful and shame-filled it is – I’m going to share it with the “whole world” because it is one of those insidious roots keeping me in an unhealthy place.
My father was in the Navy until I was about 8.5, he served overseas in Vietnam and Korea, he was gone about half of each year. I was always excited when he came home, one year when I was still very young, he came home, I was sitting on his lap and somehow ended up straddling his knee and was humping against it, he pushed me away from him with so much disgust and our relationship was broken and uneasy from that moment on, it never healed; I felt such relief when he passed away that I would never feel the weight of his judgement again. I felt so ashamed in that moment and I still do, I’m so embarrassed. The thing is I remember my brother and others encouraging me to do that – I remember them laughing and taunting me, urging me on acting this out, these memories are so fuzzy and fragile almost like they’re not there but it happened. I was taught to do that and I’ve lived with the shame of rejection most of my life because of it.
My Mother didn’t want me, she felt her pregnancy with me was one of the worst things that ever happened to her. My father was disgusted by me.
That is the foundation of my life.
The weight I’ve gained on Celexa is making me feel terrible about myself, and I think that feeling is feeding off that shame from my childhood, I feel repulsive, unloveable, like I need to apologize for being – those are the same feelings I’ve felt since that moment of horror with my father. I have been reliving that moment over and over. Am I punishing myself for what I did? Or, am I trying to create my image to fit how I was made to feel about myself? Or, am I just trying to become invisible so that no one else sets me up to be hurt again? Or… ?
Do I start trying to heal from the earliest wounds or the newest ones? And, yeah I know, this all sounds like I should have a professional working through this with me – I’ve tried over the years and never found quite the right fit, I need to be ready to find someone to work with and feel comfortable making the financial commitment before I can go down that road. Mostly, therapists have told me that I’m excellent with self-awareness and they have all told me they don’t feel like I need them to do the work I need to do so maybe it’s just about finding the right techniques/worksheets/reading material.
Physical symptoms – still having some of those nerve things going on in my whole body, not as sharp as they were but annoying enough to keep me from falling to sleep if I’m not careful.