I have Questions

I’m weaning down my Celexa because of side-effects so I’m in a different/better place to process some things right now. This is issue is something that’s been bothering me for months but I haven’t been able to put it into words.

Some people impact your life irrevocably. I keep discovering and understanding the ways my most recent ex hurt me, seeing the depths she touched and scarred.

The thing that is most damaging is this: I experienced the deepest level of happiness and completeness in my entire life during a period of time when I was being lied to by someone who created an elaborate fantasy world. Now, how, if that’s true how can I ever trust my self or my experiences with love again? The highest most beautiful point of my life is total lie.

With my ADD and anxiety, the abusive and codependent environment I was raised in, the gas lighting I’ve lived through, me living a bi/het lie for so long – all those things put me in a place where I already questioned my ability to comprehend interpersonal relationships. And now… what am I left with? I see myself actively shunning opportunities for friendships because I just can’t figure out what’s real and what’s not. If I can’t trust myself, my family (because she manipulated and gaslighted them), or others, what is left?

So, in addition to all the other stresses I’ve been dealing with this year, I’ve also had this weighing heavily on my heart and mind – it’s the first time I’ve been able to put it all in words and share it.

This song goes out to to that Ex.

“I have questions for you
Number one, tell me who you think you are
You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart
(I have questions for you)
Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?
I should have never ever ever trusted you (I have questions)
Number three, why weren’t you, who you swore that you would be?
I have questions, I got questions haunting me”

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