Too good at Goodbye

As I’ve been weaning off Celexa there’s been an opportunity for deeper thoughts and realizations. Mental health often requires “the work”. While Celexa gave me respite from symptoms it also has masked opportunities to heal and to do “the work”.

I began taking Celexa in 2013 to help deal with the damage done by a narcissistic male partner. Celexa masked the warning signs and upped my tolerance when I became involved with another person with personality disorder in 2015.

I’m grateful for the respite but I’m looking forward to finishing the ramp down off Celexa, and to begin doing “the work”. I have grown way too comfortable behind safe walls, and grown too proud of my ability to say Goodbye and walk away. I need time to cope with being an unwanted child, and must learn to love myself in the way I always wanted to love someone else.

If all I will have in this lifetime is my Self, I need to be better to her.

I have Questions

I’m weaning down my Celexa because of side-effects so I’m in a different/better place to process some things right now. This is issue is something that’s been bothering me for months but I haven’t been able to put it into words.

Some people impact your life irrevocably. I keep discovering and understanding the ways my most recent ex hurt me, seeing the depths she touched and scarred.

The thing that is most damaging is this: I experienced the deepest level of happiness and completeness in my entire life during a period of time when I was being lied to by someone who created an elaborate fantasy world. Now, how, if that’s true how can I ever trust my self or my experiences with love again? The highest most beautiful point of my life is total lie.

With my ADD and anxiety, the abusive and codependent environment I was raised in, the gas lighting I’ve lived through, me living a bi/het lie for so long – all those things put me in a place where I already questioned my ability to comprehend interpersonal relationships. And now… what am I left with? I see myself actively shunning opportunities for friendships because I just can’t figure out what’s real and what’s not. If I can’t trust myself, my family (because she manipulated and gaslighted them), or others, what is left?

So, in addition to all the other stresses I’ve been dealing with this year, I’ve also had this weighing heavily on my heart and mind – it’s the first time I’ve been able to put it all in words and share it.

This song goes out to to that Ex.

“I have questions for you
Number one, tell me who you think you are
You got some nerve trying to tear my faith apart
(I have questions for you)
Number two, why would you try and play me for a fool?
I should have never ever ever trusted you (I have questions)
Number three, why weren’t you, who you swore that you would be?
I have questions, I got questions haunting me”