Here’s the thing, on one hand, I feel better, I feel more “here”, more aware, more capable, I have more energy for doing cool stuff; On the other hand, trying to get ready to leave the house and go out Saturday night was painful, really terrifying – a lot of give/take going on right now.
My panic attacks have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older – 20 or so years ago I’d “get nervous” but it wasn’t enough for me not to go out and try to do social things. Saturday, if my daughter hadn’t planned to go with me I would have stayed home. All the while I was trying to find something to wear and the horrible soundtrack in my head was telling me how repulsive and ugly I am, how grossly fat I am, how loud and obnoxious I am, how I’m incapable of making friends, and so on. I really did enjoy being out and meeting people I’ve only talked to online once I was out but there was maybe 3 hours of super high anxiety.
Outside of Saturday night, the thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve been creative this week and that’s pretty awesome because all my art is kind of trapped inside me right now and being free to create is one of my primary goals.
Physically, I’ve had a little bit of restless/leg zaps and leg cramps – hoping all the banana’s I ate over the weekend help – these zaps are a documented side-effect of taking Celexa and if they start you’re supposed to contact your doctor. When I notified my doctor in 2015 he wasn’t concerned or educated enough to change my prescription so I’m hoping there’s no permanent nerve damage.
I’m linking to this post Wil Wheaton shared because there are quite a few things in this piece that I can totally relate to, and I know many people, family and friends, who will relate to them as well. His reasoning behind sharing his journey is similar to why I write about the biological mental health stew that my own family deals with – hiding our struggles doesn’t help any one of us, it only serves to make us all feel more alone.